I wish I had taken pictures to prove what transpired to me this morning. I had come to a crossroads of office technology and the ever progressing food technology. Let me start off by providing some background information.
One of the greatest joys in working in an office environment is finding free food. I believe this to be the case in all offices, but I think it’s especially true when the office is filled with engineers. I don’t know what it is, but you put together a floor full of upper middle income, highly intelligent, reserved people together and the sight of a 12 cent donut hole makes people want to enter the Thunderdome (two men enter, one man leave . . Tina Turner and Mel Gibson, great movie, look it up). Well, this morning, I entered the global café area on my floor and to my surprise, what do I see? Free food!!!! Now this isn’t just any free food like a donut hole, it was a yogurt parfait and fruit. Now, I know when you’re reading this you have a mental picture of me in your head (with cloths) and a yogurt parfait is not the first or tenth thing that you picture me consuming (maybe a whole chicken . . . . or two). In any case, I do occasionally love a yogurt parfait, especially with that crunchy oats toasted in honey and other delicious bits of fruit in it.
So when I entered the premises, obviously that was the first thing my eyes focused on. Quickly, I deduced that only one parfait was left, with that fact swimming inside my head, my body went into auto mode. My heart started beating a little faster, my eyes started scanning the areas to survey the café for any potential adversaries, and my pace picked up (but not enough for people to notice that I was running to the parfait, that would be embarrassing). What seemed liked the journey to take the One Ring to the open fires of Mount Doom in Mordor (I’m not a nerd, it’s a blockbuster movie), I finally reached my destination. I placed my hand on the last parfait to announce to the world that, it was MINE!!!!!
On the big platter of food, other fruits were present. To avoid getting tagged with the reputation of being too greedy by taking the parfait along with the other fruit, I quickly crammed several pieces of honeydew into my mouth. With my mouth full of delicious fruit, I grabbed the parfait and quickly turned and scanned for my escape route. I had to carefully plan this route to avoid having to either look people in their eye or get in conversation range, since my mouth was full of fruit. My extensive past experience on this topic, allowed me to make these moves as effortless as a ballerina. Suddenly, I was back at my desk, sitting in front of my monitor and saw a reflection of a man with a giant smirk, like he just got away with skipping his 10:30am class to watch an early bird special movie.
As reality sets in, I looked at the parfait and noticed liquid in the section where the granola was partitioned. Maybe it was condensation, which is caused when the water molecules in the air changes from a vapor to a liquid. This all occurs as the water is cooled and there is less heat energy for the individual molecules and particles to move around. It then condenses. Everyone knows this, right? In any case, I didn’t pay much attention to the liquid, I figured once I mix it with the yogurt, it will all become one and enhance the flavors of the other items.
So I lifted the dome which contained the granola away from the cup part. As I figured, it was enclosed on the top (the dome part) and the bottom, a flat round piece of plastic to keep it from falling into the yogurt. This allows the granola to stay fresh and crunchy until it’s ready to be exposed to the contrasting texture of the yogurt. Food technology is grand, no . . . . . . . . . . or so I thought.
So I had the dome in my hand and trying to figure out where the separation was between the dome and the bottom piece. It was a clear package so it was a bit difficult to see but I did not lose heart and kept on examining to find where it would separate. However, after an eternity, I still could not find the seam and my frustration was building to unprecedented levels. It had been 10 seconds, how could I not have figured out how to open this package? The yogurt was sitting there in front of me, just shaking its yogurt head at me in disappointment and disgust.
Note, my conscience will not let me go on. I have to tell you the truth. I Googled the ‘how condensation works’ . . . . . . . don’t hate me, I’m really smart; my memory of high school sophomore chemistry class just did not come back to me.
With my frustration level at its peak, I decided my internal William Wallace had to come out. This was not right, and I will fight for the granola’s freedom. I took the dome and started squeezing it into an egg shape with my left hand and trying to pull the bottom round plastic cover with the right hand. Success!!! I knew all those years of working out and building up my muscle vs. height ratio to Schwarzenegger levels would pay off. In fact, it worked too well. It happened in an instant. Yes, the bottom of the dome popped off, but so did all of the granola, oats, and bits of fruit. Maybe it wouldn’t have been so bad if it was just the dry granola, but remember the liquid in the dome. When it mixed with the granola, toasted oats, and bits of fruit, it became a flying projectile of vomit. It splattered all across my desk, keyboard, and both my monitors. I don’t know how much kinetic energy it had, but it could be found on the walls behind the monitor. Worse of all . . . . . . . I had the yogurt right in front of me when my right hand opened the bottom piece. Yes, the back of my hand hit the yogurt and it turned over landed on my keyboard. The smooth vanilla flavor yogurt started oozing in between the keys. It consumed the “D’ through ‘K’, the space bar was only half visible; it seemed like the only key that worked was the
hashtag number sign.
What did I do to deserve this? What seemed like the perfect office morning turned out to be one of the most devastating mornings of my life. I was still hungry. I had keyboard, that was barely hanging on for dear life. I had a mess to clean up and I didn’t have enough napkins to clean it so I had to go back to the café, the original crime scene to face those who missed out on the parfait. Little did they know, how I saved them from total disaster.
This will not persuade me to change my ways. I will still say a quick prayer and hope every time I walk into the global café area, that free food will be there. Maybe next time, I’ll have a set of tools to gently open my conquest.